Grief is not easy...

It's been a while since I have blogged , I made a goal that I'm going to better with it because I think it's been helpful to go back and look at my how strong I was in such a hard time in my life,the  cool stuff about Hunter and my feelings. I go back because ,I truly believe that he was comforting me through my words. I was able to share my feelings and thoughts through my writing.

I have never been the best at English and I know in horrible at grammar. But this is for me! And I'm sharing it with you. Hoping it helps someone.

Grief is a very hard thing!!!
  Not one person grieves the same as another.
 My grief started with my grandpa he was very active and healthy and got cancer and went downhill fast. I watched how sad this was for my family members to go through, but when my grandpa had passed away. It was almost a good but sad thing because he had a good full life and he was such a great example to us all. I remember I wanted to be a better person like my grandpa, he taught me a lot.
A few years later ( not exact on years months ) my aunt passed away. She was one of my best friends she was my concert buddy, partner in crime. This grief I felt from my aunts passing was also very different.
My aunt was one of the most beautiful people I have known.  Inside and out. She just couldn't figure out why she was so unhappy. Outside depression looking in it was very hard to understand why she was so unhappy. She had three beautiful healthy kids who loved her and she loved them very much! She was healthy and seemed very happy. But she was soooo soo sad and if you have never suffered from depression it is very hard to understand. But please don't judge someone with it because everyone has there own story. And suffers there very own pain and grief differently. The grief and the pain keep traveling down the chain and her kids and grandchildren they only get the memories they had of her here in the physical world to remember her by. I pray for them they find peace and know that she loved them and loves them very much!

Again a couple years later ( not exactly sure ) they are all way to close together for me!
My worst and every mothers worst nightmare happened! This took on a new meaning of grief and still continues to do so and will everyday of my life.
I can tell you that time does heal, but you never forget and you don't want to forget.

Time to be real and honest... ( get the tissues ready )

 Here are some of my everyday thoughts...
Will I ever be that happy again?
Do I want to be happy again ? Then I think if I get happy again ,will something bad happen again ?
If I get happy does that mean I'm forgetting Hunter? Then I stop and worry that I will forget memories of him.
Am I going to be a half ass mom to cole and this new baby because ,I'm just flat out scared as shit!!!
And lots more...

Almost a year after Hunter passed my dad passed away..

Holy crap let's talk about grief!!!I think this is when I hit bottom.
I think the grief with my dad again was different he was sick and I though I had prepared myself  for when he was going to pass because he was supposed to not live very long being as sick as he was ,but he did. And as much as I thought I was prepared. You never are prepared..

If I can send a message to anyone it's please mend fences. Life is short and even shorter then that!

So love,love,love,

 I am so blessed to be lucky enough to be a mom again ,and I'm so lucky to have the opportunity to have 3 beautiful children, a amazing husband, two step kids, and the most awesome family and friends there is. Thanks for everyone's support.
I love you all. 💜💜💜

mothers who lose children

I titled this post ...Mothers who lose children... because I remember Googling Mothers who lose a child after Hunters accident. I was lead to a lot of websites where people had lost babies (witch is still the death of a child and is very very heart breaking and sad). I felt as though I could not really relate with them as much because Hunter was 12 and there was not a lot of websites for moms who had older children who leave this world. So here's me hoping that some other Mom will google the same thing and find this.

This week already I have heard about 4 kids have passed away from our state. I am sure there is a lot more then that But I don't watch the news or have a facebook . I just heard them from other people. 

I feel that I heard about these kids so that if in someway, I can help I will. 

If you are a parent a mom, a dad of a child who has passed, weather it be a baby or older child please feel free to send me a email or leave a comment I would love to talk with you.

It is a very hard battle but there is support out there :)

HaPpY 13th BiRthdAY... My Sweet Angel...

Dear Hunter,

On October 8th 1999. I was Blessed with my first Big blessing in My Life. I was blessed with a amazing Gift the Gift of Motherhood. The moment I looked into your eyes I knew my life was going to be different, That It was not about me anymore, How could it be? I was blessed with the gift to Care, Teach, wipe away tears, and fight for you. I couldn't imagine loving another person that much ever again.

You got older and I watched you grow. I watched you gag on everything I tried to feed you, and found out you only liked certain foods, you continued to know what foods you liked and kept it that way. Your short 12 years. I worried when you were sick, and loved watching you crawl,walk,talk,ride your first bike, sing your first song, I loved to watch you excel in your life. I was your protector and god blessed me everyday I got knowing and loving you.

 It was just you and me for awhile and then your brother was born. I was blessed with that love and joy again. I loved to watch you be his protector and worry about everything he did  you let him sleep in your room at night when he was scared, play with your toys, play with you and your friends, feed him and you watched over everything he did.

You were always helpful, loving, and caring of others. You always would bring sunshine and happiness to people who knew you. You have the most amazing laugh, smile around your short time on earth brought lots of happiness to people who were blessed enough to know you. You always worried about the little kids and would make sure they were having fun. You worried about me and my happiness, You hated fighting, yelling or people being sad. You lived by your own motto to LOVE, LOVE, LOVE.

Today on your 13th birthday I want to tell you. What a great young man you became, I am so proud of you, and all the lives you touched with your Christ Like way of life on this earth. I am so thankful I got to be blessed with such a amazing son. Thank you Buddy!!!

 I can't wait for the day to kiss you and hold you tight again. I make it my Goal everyday to Live the life you would have wanted for me. Thank you for the lessons, memories,laughs,smiles,tears.. 

Happy Birthday to you.. Happy bithday to you cha cha cha . Happy birthday Dear Hunter CHHHHAAAA chaaaaa chaaaaaaaaa Happy BIRTHDAY TO YOU..

 

Until we meet again Dude :)

 Love you, thanks for watching over us.

Mom,

I Hate To say!!! I have The big D... Word!!!

Yeah I have it!! I don't like it at all, I must say. I have DEPRESSION 

I don't even like to say it and I haven't even been officially diagnosed with it . I know I have it. I pretty much can sleep all day long and then more. Thank goodness I have Dustin to help me cause I think I would never leave by bed.

When Hunters accident first happened I could not sleep at all. I would close my eyes and relive that horrible morning and that day that changed my life forever. So I didnt sleep.

Then one night I could finally sleep. I saw Hunter in a dream, he told me that he was fine and in such a beautiful place, he said that he was with my grandpa, he was good and he didn't want me to be sad cause he was so, so, good. 

He was so bright and glowing ( he always was anyway ) but really happy.

Revelation 21:4 He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.”

I think in someway that this is why I am depressed. I want to see Hunter again like I did in my dream and dream of him. : (I know and truly believe Hunter is in a better place, He still is with me and this is  one of pic that makes me know it. I am going to make it a goal to do better!! maybe I need to get up and start working out? lol :) ill let you all know how it goes..

LOVE,LOVE,LOVE

Went back to strawberry (that's where the accident happened) and shining on the mountain on or around the spot it happened, was this amazing ray of light coming from the clouds. Cole said look mom " Hunter shining down from heaven". and I know in my heart it was something he was doing..

First Day Of school for Poppers!! Yay!!!

I thought today was going to be a hard day. last night I was sure of it! The day That Hunter passed away and I told Cole that Hunter went to heaven.. UGH!! the first thing Cole said to me was" well who is going to get me from class and take me to my class for school now"?? ( little did he know Hunter was off to junior high this year) but his big brother was his protector,hero,best friend etc.
Hunter and Cole have almost all there lives shared a room and when they didn't Cole would still have to sneak in Hunters room.  Hunter was always my early bird, Cole likes to sleep in so Hunter would get him up every morning for school.
I was nerves about that too!!
This morning was Cole's first day of school without his big brother, his first real big concern and he did it!
( with a little help from heaven ) I woke up to get him up and he was up and ready,had already made himself a waffle and was set!! ( except the hair and teeth thing ) but he did great. I'm so proud of the big steps he is making and growing up to be a strong little boy.. I love you Buddy!!! you are doing awesome!!!

first day at a new school and  3rd grade

Next big task is the bus..

A Quote I Love,Love,Love

Anyone can GIVE UP, it's the easiest thing  in the world to do.

But to hold it together when everyone would understand if you fell apart,

that's true

STRENGTH....

Still missing you!! and always will!! xoxoxo

Car rides suck now!!

C... Cause I look back and see no Hunter in his spot. And I see Cole all  quiet and sad :(

A... All of us would talk in the car,we would talk about school, Hunter would talk about the cars we liked, what he was going to be when he got older.

R.. radio is playing his favorite songs and I can't hear him singing.

Oh man !! I do not love car rides right now...