It's been a while since I have blogged , I made a goal that I'm going to better with it because I think it's been helpful to go back and look at my how strong I was in such a hard time in my life,the cool stuff about Hunter and my feelings. I go back because ,I truly believe that he was comforting me through my words. I was able to share my feelings and thoughts through my writing.
I have never been the best at English and I know in horrible at grammar. But this is for me! And I'm sharing it with you. Hoping it helps someone.
Grief is a very hard thing!!!
Not one person grieves the same as another.
My grief started with my grandpa he was very active and healthy and got cancer and went downhill fast. I watched how sad this was for my family members to go through, but when my grandpa had passed away. It was almost a good but sad thing because he had a good full life and he was such a great example to us all. I remember I wanted to be a better person like my grandpa, he taught me a lot.
A few years later ( not exact on years months ) my aunt passed away. She was one of my best friends she was my concert buddy, partner in crime. This grief I felt from my aunts passing was also very different.
My aunt was one of the most beautiful people I have known. Inside and out. She just couldn't figure out why she was so unhappy. Outside depression looking in it was very hard to understand why she was so unhappy. She had three beautiful healthy kids who loved her and she loved them very much! She was healthy and seemed very happy. But she was soooo soo sad and if you have never suffered from depression it is very hard to understand. But please don't judge someone with it because everyone has there own story. And suffers there very own pain and grief differently. The grief and the pain keep traveling down the chain and her kids and grandchildren they only get the memories they had of her here in the physical world to remember her by. I pray for them they find peace and know that she loved them and loves them very much!
Again a couple years later ( not exactly sure ) they are all way to close together for me!
My worst and every mothers worst nightmare happened! This took on a new meaning of grief and still continues to do so and will everyday of my life.
I can tell you that time does heal, but you never forget and you don't want to forget.
Time to be real and honest... ( get the tissues ready )
Here are some of my everyday thoughts...
Will I ever be that happy again?
Do I want to be happy again ? Then I think if I get happy again ,will something bad happen again ?
If I get happy does that mean I'm forgetting Hunter? Then I stop and worry that I will forget memories of him.
Am I going to be a half ass mom to cole and this new baby because ,I'm just flat out scared as shit!!!
And lots more...
Almost a year after Hunter passed my dad passed away..
Holy crap let's talk about grief!!!I think this is when I hit bottom.
I think the grief with my dad again was different he was sick and I though I had prepared myself for when he was going to pass because he was supposed to not live very long being as sick as he was ,but he did. And as much as I thought I was prepared. You never are prepared..
If I can send a message to anyone it's please mend fences. Life is short and even shorter then that!
So love,love,love,
I am so blessed to be lucky enough to be a mom again ,and I'm so lucky to have the opportunity to have 3 beautiful children, a amazing husband, two step kids, and the most awesome family and friends there is. Thanks for everyone's support.
I love you all. 💜💜💜
