I Hate To say!!! I have The big D... Word!!!

Yeah I have it!! I don't like it at all, I must say. I have DEPRESSION 

I don't even like to say it and I haven't even been officially diagnosed with it . I know I have it. I pretty much can sleep all day long and then more. Thank goodness I have Dustin to help me cause I think I would never leave by bed.

When Hunters accident first happened I could not sleep at all. I would close my eyes and relive that horrible morning and that day that changed my life forever. So I didnt sleep.

Then one night I could finally sleep. I saw Hunter in a dream, he told me that he was fine and in such a beautiful place, he said that he was with my grandpa, he was good and he didn't want me to be sad cause he was so, so, good. 

He was so bright and glowing ( he always was anyway ) but really happy.

Revelation 21:4 He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.”

I think in someway that this is why I am depressed. I want to see Hunter again like I did in my dream and dream of him. : (I know and truly believe Hunter is in a better place, He still is with me and this is  one of pic that makes me know it. I am going to make it a goal to do better!! maybe I need to get up and start working out? lol :) ill let you all know how it goes..

LOVE,LOVE,LOVE

Went back to strawberry (that's where the accident happened) and shining on the mountain on or around the spot it happened, was this amazing ray of light coming from the clouds. Cole said look mom " Hunter shining down from heaven". and I know in my heart it was something he was doing..

First Day Of school for Poppers!! Yay!!!

I thought today was going to be a hard day. last night I was sure of it! The day That Hunter passed away and I told Cole that Hunter went to heaven.. UGH!! the first thing Cole said to me was" well who is going to get me from class and take me to my class for school now"?? ( little did he know Hunter was off to junior high this year) but his big brother was his protector,hero,best friend etc.
Hunter and Cole have almost all there lives shared a room and when they didn't Cole would still have to sneak in Hunters room.  Hunter was always my early bird, Cole likes to sleep in so Hunter would get him up every morning for school.
I was nerves about that too!!
This morning was Cole's first day of school without his big brother, his first real big concern and he did it!
( with a little help from heaven ) I woke up to get him up and he was up and ready,had already made himself a waffle and was set!! ( except the hair and teeth thing ) but he did great. I'm so proud of the big steps he is making and growing up to be a strong little boy.. I love you Buddy!!! you are doing awesome!!!

first day at a new school and  3rd grade

Next big task is the bus..

A Quote I Love,Love,Love

Anyone can GIVE UP, it's the easiest thing  in the world to do.

But to hold it together when everyone would understand if you fell apart,

that's true

STRENGTH....

Still missing you!! and always will!! xoxoxo

Car rides suck now!!

C... Cause I look back and see no Hunter in his spot. And I see Cole all  quiet and sad :(

A... All of us would talk in the car,we would talk about school, Hunter would talk about the cars we liked, what he was going to be when he got older.

R.. radio is playing his favorite songs and I can't hear him singing.

Oh man !! I do not love car rides right now...

Just Keep Swimming, Swimming, Swimming

 I have been having a really hard time lately with attention. I  have always wanted people to laugh at me cause I gotta admit that I can be pretty dang funny.. ;)  that is now gone, people would put me on the spot, I would get all red in my chest and then I would feel the pressure like make me laugh and then I could usually pull that off because I love to see people happy and smiling  the sound of laughter is my favorite sound. ( Hunter had the best laugh) . I now get looked at really weird kinda like I'm a puppy or  like I am on display., is she going to break down at any moment. I have never liked negative Attention on me,  I almost feel like I need to hug them and say "dude its gonna be OK".  I don't know its just weird..  I do not like it so much. I'm pretty sure it is just peoples way of having nothing to say there biggest fear for there children or anyone  I'm living it. 

 here's to you people..... This sucks !!!!!

I would not wish it upon anyone ever. But we can't change it.. We can only do better everyday to be strong for my, our Amazing HUNTER..

ps..

 I might just hug you if you look at me weird and I am so not a hugger!!! :)

LOVE, LOVE, LOVE

Hunters videos

My little brother made these awesome video's for Hunter. Thank you so much Austin. I know this was hard for you to do and so awesome that you did it.. Love you!!!
Hunter Craig Hall - Love - Love - Love from Austin Tolman on Vimeo.

Hunter Craig Hall 1999-2012 RIP from Austin Tolman on Vimeo.

Baby steps..

                                                 Me and my amazing sunshine Hunter            
                                                           ...sure do miss you buddy...     


I named this post... Baby steps... cause that is pretty much how it has been. It has not even been two months yet and every day gets a little better. (thank goodness) At the beginning I felt this protective fog from the world. Some call it SHOCK. I was able to get up and plan his obituary, funeral and get it all figured out. I could talk at his funeral and was strong for my family.. all that was Baby steps..

                                                           
Then  after the funeral Dustin and I had a trip to mexico planned before the accident that we debated on going to cause, it was days after his funeral when we where leaving , we decided to go for the week, it was a very nice trip Hunter was around us everywhere from purple fish, to purple on the bottom of a seashell. BaBY STepS..

                                                                           I love you 
                                           Thanks for being my Best friend and soul mate                


We came home from Mexico to a fear that our house might have smoke and soot damage and our dog was breathing it in. The mountain next to our house had been on fire. Thank goodness we had lots of people thinking about us and everything was great. we walked in to  dead flowers everywhere :( and this is when it really hit home for me, I know longer felt that PROTECTIVE FOG. We had to clean up the flowers and put them in the garbage Lucky my mom came over and saved some pressed in books. (Thanks Mom)But it has been bigger baby steps at this point, I had a day I just slept and cried all day, a couple days where it was hard for me to do one thing without it wiping me out.. it comes it waves and I'm so thankful for that. 
On my birthday every year I'm usually in Oregon for mine and my nephews special day. This trip had also been planned months prior to the accident. So so so glad we went we had things still to get done and plan for. I think it helps me to watch our kids still have fun for Hunter and watch my nieces and nephews hug us tight and tell us stories and memories of Hunter. I love being with my family... 




I'm grateful and thankful for baby steps today..